Dear Doris
Last Tuesday night my husband Ron said he was going to take the dog for a walk and went out. I sat down and watched Antiques Roadshow with a bottle of Baileys and a tin of chocolate biscuits. He still hadn't got back even after Fiona what's her name had done her pretending to be stupid thing and I had eaten a sausage roll. Eventually, half way through I'm a Dancing Celebrity on Ice in the Jungle (and another sausage roll) he came back in. He smelled strongly of perfume, was walking in a funny way, and  gave me a McFlurry which was not very frozen any more. I have three questions: Is Ron turning into a transvestite? Is he trying to fatten me up? And what did he mean about a dog? We haven't got one.
Rev Mrs Brenda Lampost (retired)

Dear Brenda
First the good news: your McF will not have contained any calories, as it was no longer even partly solid by the time it reached you. As generations of nutrition experts have proved, only things you can chew will make you fatter. Your husband is a different matter. Men can smell strange for some unlikely reasons, so I think you need to sit him down and make further enquiries. Had he been oiling his sprockets? WD40 can smell quite fragrant, I have known some ladies who have used this handy lubricant for things not even hinted at on the tin. If Ron does decide to become a cross-dresser, that's not necessarily a bad thing - you can get a grant for that nowadays, to help with the cost of razor blades to shave his legs, etc. But in that case he may indeed be trying to increase your obesity, so that you have to buy bigger clothes which he'll have no trouble getting into after a bit. As for the dog, are you sure you haven't got one? Who did you think shits behind the sofa?
Please let me know..
Doris